An unexpected perimenopause symptom

I am deep in grief. It’s grief that happens behind the closed bathroom door and into my pillow late at night. It’s in the pages of my journal and behind my sunglasses at the traffic lights. It feels like it isn't really allowed because it hasn't been caused by death, but it's grief nonetheless.

It feels deeply personal - too personal to share. But I feel that I need to share it because maybe there are other people who also feel this way. And maybe by talking about it, it will help us all.

My oldest child, my son, has just moved to the US to attend University on a sports scholarship. Yes it’s absolutely wonderful. What an amazing opportunity and I could not be more happy for him. He is experiencing an incredible adventure and I have always advocated for adventures!

Deep inside I wish he didn't want to go. I would never take this from him. But I miss him so much.

It all happened too fast. One moment I had a newborn and then 19 years later his bedroom is quiet. The food in the fridge seems to last beyond its expiry, the washing machine sits idle for days, and the dishwasher is run out of habit rather than necessity.

I knew the grief was coming, in fact it arrived before the moment for grief even occurred. It was there as we did virtual tours of college campuses. It was there when we went to the embassy to get his visa. It was there as I washed his clothes for the last time to pack. It was there on the plane, in the airbnb, and in his dorm room as I made his bed. And it was there the moment I hugged him, told him I love him, and I turned and walked away.

Perimenopause signs that you may not be expecting

Publicly if I express anything other than pure joy for him, it is met with the helpful line of ‘at least he’s happy’. It cuts deep because this grief is very real. And it is about so much more than my son no longer living at home. It cuts to the core of where I am in life right now. Perimenopause has taken my normally stable emotions and whisked them into a furry of anxiety, fear and at this time, grief over this enormous change. The deep seated question swirls in my brain - what does this mean for me now?

For 19 years I have parented with my greatest intention, focus and energy. I lost myself in my children. Now as I look up, in my late 40's, in a time of change, I feel totally and completely disoriented.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be a mother. It felt for the longest time that I had a plan and a path. I finished school, went to university and got a law degree, worked, and raised my family.

In a blink of an eye, it all changed. And I don’t know who I am anymore.

It’s not that there isn’t a lot to do - my youngest is in her final years of school, and my parents are ageing and need support. My home loan still needs financing and friendships need tending. But there is a gnawing inside, a yearning to understand what my life means now, what do I want to do next?

Perimenopause is more than a biological hormonal driven end to menstruation. That's what happens, but that's not what we experience. This is a very real line in the sand, a definitive declaration by the universe - that time in your life is finished.

I’m not good at goodbyes.

So here I am. Deep in grief. Biology dictating the terms. And me. Here. Now. Wondering how to quiet the noise in my head. Wondering how to find my joy again.

My son phoned me recently and we chatted for the longest time. We laughed as we talked and I was reminded that our connection is still strong. I ended our call with my usual ‘love you, bye’. He parroted back ‘love you, bye’. And we hung up. The tears brimming and later overflowing, behind the closed bathroom door.